Skip to content

2007

January 1, 2007

Time to make those New Year’s resolutions.

Dear me!  What shall I set myself up for this year.

Last year, I took it upon myself to face the year with great confidence that in 2006, I WOULD GET MARRIED.

Now I knew that it was a stretch … given my personality and the fact that I have not even had a date in about 7-8 years. (Could be ten years, depending upon what you actually count as a date)

Last night, I attended my sister’s wedding. She was married at 12:01 AM, January 1, 2007.  I don’t like going to other people’s weddings.  They make me feel sad and sorry for myself.  And the very idea that she would have this event on New Year’s Eve is even more cruel.  Because it just reminds me that I am one more year closer to spending the rest of my life alone.

GEEZ!  How pathetic!

I wish I didn’t care!!!  I really wish that I did not care. I wish that I didn’t long to have someone who wanted me enough to spend the rest of his life with me.  I don’t know if I’d actually be able to go through with it or not, but I’d just like to be given the chance to see, feel, know … that I am a lovable person.

How pathetic is that?

I hate the audacity of people who say “You’re limiting your options by just going to work/church/home. Perhaps you should try one of those online dating services.”

I hate the desperation that I have that actually persuades me to throw up my hands and give it a shot.

I hate that once I go on there and search, I am bombarded with a world of people, desperately seeking the same thing that I am … and upon posting my profile (thinking out of all these surely one will bite) … NONE DO.

I hate wondering what it is about me that … well, I won’t say it.   But it’s a sad state of affairs.

And so, I cancel all profiles and sign ins for those silly things.  It’s dangerous business anyway, right?

I remember when I first got divorced, I was 24 years old.  It was a sad time. I felt completely rejected and demoralized.  But being young, I convinced myself that I wouldn’t really need to feel desperate until I was at least 30. And that’s when I’d start worrying about marrying again.

At 30, though I realized that I had come to that place/age that I had formerly deemed necessary to start “husband-hunting” — it was obvious that I was in no place to find a keeper. So I just pressed on, thinking, “well, you are not really past going until you are 36. That’s when I’ll let it get to me.”

At 36, life took a drastic and sudden change.  The man that I was involved with … and in all honesty, most likely in love with … took a different turn in his own life and married someone else.  I must confess that I was heartbroken, as much as I tried to conceal it.  Then, I discovered that I was pregnant … and so 36 was not the year to think about getting married.

Over the past seven years, I’ve been busy. Very busy!  That’s what I do — I busy myself to keep from thinking about how lonely I really am. The trouble is, I’m getting too old to constantly be busy all the time.  I have high blood pressure, and hormonal swings and stress beyond reason … and it has been advised to me by doctors that I stop being so busy.

And that leaves me at 43 … and alone with myself.  And lonely!

The thing is that I’m not a middle of the road kind of girl.  I’m either HOT or COLD.  I don’t do well at pretending everything is “hunky-dorey” when it is not.  I don’t like wearing masks.  I yearn to be genuine above all else.

And yet, my genuineness seems to be a bit of a flaw in my personality.  I guess that’s it.

I’m told, “if you weren’t so assertive, men might like you…afterall, they need to feel like they are the ones in control.”

I’m told, “you must learn to be more submissive…you really have never mastered that.”

I’m told, “don’t wear t-shirts … wear tighter shirts and sweaters, maybe some low-cut to accentuate your positives.”

I’m told, “try not to be smart all the time … men are intimidated by smart women.”

I’m told, “maybe you need to lower your standards a little bit…you do ask an awful lot of a man.”

I’m told, “lose some weight … that’ll help you feel better and get a man at the same time.”

I’m told, “fix up a little … you look so tired.”

And finally, I’m told, “ask God to send you a man … then stop thinking about it … that’s when I finally got one.”

All I can say in response is, “REALLY?”

I’m telling you … that in the past year … I’ve lost a great sense of direction … and am now wondering if I ever really had any in the first place.  I wonder, “have I really just muddled through for the past 43 years … I feel like I’m at such a loss.”

I think perhaps my first resolution in 2007 should be to rediscover “who I am” and “who I am supposed to be.” (and pray to God that these two are one in the same.)

Secondly, I want to resolve to get healthy. I desperately want to not have to take any drugs to deal with any aspect or issue of my life.  I’m a control freak for crying out loud …

My doctor advised me to make and take time for myself … I started doing that … and it’s helped. But it’s too easy to let other things take precedence over that … I’ve got to stick with the program.

And I’ve got to get back my compass, or get a new compass (because this one may be broken) … and find my direction again.

2007… I surely do want to face it with hope and great anticipation.  Lord, help me face it with hope and great anticipation…for good things to come.  Pleasant surprises even … in your perfect will.

Advertisements
No comments yet

What are your thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: